Mindfulness is so important in life, but especially when it comes to bad days. Merrett Sheridan, this week’s guest, talks about using mindfulness to shift your mindset entirely from feeling like you’re just surviving in life to truly thriving. How? By playing a game that Merrett explains in the episode.
We touch on the physiology of our emotions, surrendering to those crap days, accepting what life throws at us, interpreting the world in a more positive way, and so much more.
This is one of those conversations that could have gone on for hours. If you’ve ever had a crap day, you’re going to want to listen in because another one is probably around the corner.
About Merrett Sheridan:
Merrett Sheridan, LMFT is a mindset coach, speaker and psychotherapist who is passionate about working with individuals seeking to live more authentically and in line with their passions. Merrett is a ‘recovering accountant!’ with decades of experience in high tech and who has re-invented herself many times over coming to realize that her authentic self is one of continual change and transformation. Her mission is to help others discover their true selves and be able to show up more wholly with themselves and others, deepening their experiences and connections in all areas of life.
Links & Resources:
- Are You a Victim of the Fuckening?
- Share it with Merrett
- Follow Merrett on Instagram or Facebook
- Connect with Merrett on LinkedIn
- Subscribe to Merrett’s YouTube channel
Time Stamps:
[1:54] – Ice cream and coffee–what else is there in life
[2:35] – Develop multiple strategies to turn a crap day around
[3:45] – Stuck behind the garbage truck days
[5:40] – Goes from the fuckening to the surrendering
[7:06] – Others will give us more grace than we are willing to give ourselves
[8:45] – Mindfulness is everything
[10:08] – Every choice you make is toward or away from health
[12:52] – When we’re in a place of reaction, we push the momentum for it to continue
[14:40] – We make good choices and things still happen
[16:10] – The more you practice mindfulness, the more it’s available to you
[17:22] – 95% of days filled with nothing happening
[18:21] – What you focus on and how you interpret the world is how you’ll experience it
[20:14] – Physiology is at work
[22:05] – The journey to happiness is straight through your pain
[24:58] – Playing the what if game
[26:38] – If you want to thrive, practice the what if game more
[27:42] – Everything we do is about how we feel
[28:28] – How do we give ourselves a reprieve right now, when it’s hard
[33:23] – Flexibility is the key to mental health and acceptance is the door
[35:14] – Creating a world where everyone has the ability to share their gifts, talents, and skills with the world
Transcription:
Amber Hawley 0:03
Business owners are increasingly being pulled in so many directions, feeling like they aren’t reaching their full potential in business and life despite their type aways. With my background as a therapist, entrepreneur, and as a.com dropout with ADHD, I interview and coach high achieving business owners like you who want to stop struggling for success by using psychological systems, strategies, and the occasional care for entation. This is the easily distracted entrepreneur, your place to slay overwhelm perfectionism and shiny object syndrome so that you can get done what matters most to you.
Amber Hawley 0:41
Welcome, welcome, my focus seeking friends today, I have a really special treat. I have a good friend on with me today. And we’re going to be talking about something that absolutely impacts every single entrepreneur slash human being out there. And that is, what do you do when you’re having one of those days, like shit happens? Or if you’ve listened to the previous episode, the meditation the fucking, what do you do when you’re just having one of those days? That doesn’t seem to go right? And how do you get back on track? So I would like to officially welcome my good friend, Merrett Sheridan.
Merrett Sheridan 1:24
Thank you. And we’re glad to be here. My name is Merrett Sheridan. I’m a licensed psychotherapist, I’m a mindset coach and a speaker. And I am the founder of shared with merit and creator of happiness parties. And I’m really glad to be here and talk about our mindset.
Amber Hawley 1:42
Yes, I know, um Merrett. Yeah. Happiness parties. I because I absolutely love that you are the queen of that. Also, because we were just talking about you make, like homemade special gourmet ice creams. And I feel like what more could there be in life that makes you happy? Well, besides coffee is coffee. And gourmet homemade ice cream. Yes. Yeah, I got it dialed in.
Merrett Sheridan 2:12
I got it. And I’m well, and it’s true. I one reason we came up with this topic was we were talking last week, and I was having one of those days, you know, and catching up today, you’re having one of those days. And I told you that one of the things that I did was just make ice cream all week, because it just helps. You know, there’s a lot of other things too, but you know, well, and essentially engaging in something that makes you feel good, makes you visceral. There’s a visceral component to that. That’s also very helpful. I mean, it’s one thing to distract yourself, but it’s another thing to really engage in some sort of activity that you’d find. Enjoy. pleasurable.
Amber Hawley 2:51
Yeah, yeah, definitely. I mean, there’s, I think there’s a time and a place, and I think, employing a multitude of strategies, right. Like, sometimes, we need to distract ourselves. Sometimes we need to redirect our energy, like you’re saying, like, put our energy into something else, especially things that make us either bring us joy, or kind of fill us up. And so that I mean, that can be so varied, but I thought it was really intriguing, because, you know, we were last week, we were getting on a coaching call. And then you were talking about a whole you had a bunch of technical issues, right, which, I mean, come on, I mean, how many bad days have been started off by he shitty technical issues. And so you were troubleshooting that and dealing with it, and then kind of beating yourself up for, you know, not figuring things out. And as we talked about it, and then you talked about one of your, I guess, theory slash approaches to how you look at things and what you what did you call it again? What was the
Merrett Sheridan 3:55
Yeah, I have I have a word for those days. And I call them the stuck behind the garbage truck day. Yes. Right. Because you’re, you know, you’re not just in traffic. You’re not just behind a big old truck. You know, it’s the garbage truck, and it’s garbage day, and it’s stopping every 10 feet, and you’re you can’t get around it, you know, it’s just and, and that’s the thing, it’s like, it’s a days where you, you know, maybe you sleep through the alarm or it doesn’t go off and then you spill the coffee and, you know, the dog barked and, and well, in my case, the Internet was out. It was, you know, and it’s just all when you can catch it in time. And that’s the thing. It’s like, there was a point at which, you know, I had to go ahead and go get a new modem. And then I came home and I plugged it in, and it also didn’t work. And that was that moment. That was the moment where I could have either just completely gone off the rails have been like this the worst day ever, and you know, and just really stayed in struggle and conflict with what was just happening, right? That lack of just accepting what’s happening or if You can catch it in time, you know, before the day is completely gone, and just sort of recognize that and what I do is just accept, oh, this is a stuck behind the garbage truck day. And not only has half of my day gone just terribly well not to my expectations, right, that’s essentially what it is, is unmet expectations, which is the root of all suffering, right?
Merrett Sheridan 5:23
So I didn’t expect it to just have a regular old day, and that didn’t happen. So now I’m irritated and, and bordering, totally pissed off, right? And, but I was able to catch myself recognize that it’s one of those days, and then it goes from the, let’s, here’s one for you, you go from the fucking, to the surrendering, you know, and if you can just surrender to it, then you’re accepting what is you don’t have to like it, you don’t have to agree with it. You don’t have to, you know, do anything other than just accept it. And at that point, what I do is I just, I manage my expectations, and say, well, what’s the next thing that’s gonna go wrong? Right? Because, you know, chances are, if that much has gone wrong today, the rest of the day is just, you know, I’m still stuck, I’m still stuck behind the truck. It’s not like I got around the truck, I’m just accepting that, oh, this is my place in life today. You know, tomorrow is a new hope. But for today, I’m gonna sit back I’m gonna surrender might even take it as a sign to slow down. Right? I mean, if you really want to get almost like, purposeful about it, right? You can do that, too. You say, Well, maybe this is a sign to just slow down today, recognize that I don’t have control over everything. Because what was upsetting me most was it was throwing my day off. Right. And I have commitments, right? I don’t want to let other people down because my internet. And that was something I also had to struggle with. Right? And you go, Okay, well, but my trust in others, right. But my trust that if I let them know what’s going on, they’re gonna throw me some slack. And, and we’ll all learn to be a little flexible today.
Amber Hawley 7:05
Yes. And my experiences, I think, actually, others are willing to give us more slack or grace than we’re willing to give ourselves, right. And I think, you know, to what you’re saying, when we start to have those days, and those things are going like that, I feel like the more we push, or the more like we’re in the stress of it, it actually seems to exacerbate it. Right? Because then we’re stuck in that like frustration mode. And then our tolerance is lower. And we’re probably, you know, it’s we’re doing creating more mistakes, because we’re, we’re feeling time pressured, we’re feeling stressed out. Whereas when we get to that place of acceptance, then it’s like, when we’re in that chill space, it doesn’t seem to be as hard. Right? Like, if you’re sitting there the whole time, like, how can I get around this truck? How can I get around this truck, and you’re just in that space, that’s all the energy is in that space. But if you’re like, Alright, I’m slowing down. And you know, I’ll get there when I get there. I’ll you know, things will happen when they happen if they can happen. And and then that’s it. It’s it’s it’s just energetically, it’s a shift that gives you a lot more peace. Now, it’s, it’ll still be frustrating, right? And nobody likes to feel like they’re letting somebody down. If they have commitments, or you know, whatever. But, but yeah, I do think it’s, uh, yeah, if you can, if you’d like you said, if you can catch it, if you can catch it before you’ve like, completely lost your shit. Because it’s very hard after that point, then you’re like, Okay, now I just need to go curl up in the bed. Right?
Merrett Sheridan 8:44
Well, no, this is where mindfulness to me is really everything. Like if you do one thing psychologically, do mindfulness, because mindfulness is what gives you that stop gap. It just gives you that space between reacting and responding. You know, it’s what allows you to have a moment. And it just takes a moment to look at your thoughts, and start to have choice about what you want to do what you want to be thinking about what you want to focus on, and how you, you know, do you want to let go of this? And sometimes, honestly, sometimes the answer is no, you’re like, I just want to be pissed off today. Fine. But be intentional about it. Right? Be mindful about because sometimes it feels good to be irritated. Yeah, it’s just a feeling, you know, and sometimes you’re just in that space, but recognize you’re in that space, then you’re to your point, then you’re not in you still have dropped the rope to some extent use. You’re accepting that you’re angry or irritated and you’re you’re allowing it to be and that’s still different than wishing it was not the case.
Amber Hawley 9:48
Yes, yes. Right. Yeah. And I, I like what you said because I say it a lot that it’s about being intentional. It’s not that we can’t do something it’s not that you have to do Do something different? Not that you should. It’s none of that, right? But it’s I’m choosing this.
Merrett Sheridan 10:06
Right, right. Yeah, I also, I think about choices about every choice you make, every choice you make is toward or away from health, right? The goal is not to make 100% healthy choices, because that is inherently. That’s called perfectionism,
Amber Hawley 10:27
right? So it’s fucking boring.
Merrett Sheridan 10:32
So it’s about being intentional and aware of your choices. And so like, the example I give is about ice cream, because clearly, ice cream has a major place in my life. And so it used to be I and to me, ice cream, you know, a pint of ice cream is a survey, like, okay, let’s just get that out. So, it used to be, because I just can’t stop once I start and when I can, but I choose not to. And it used to be, you know, I’m halfway through the thing. And there goes, you know, that nasty little voice, oh, you know, go into your thighs, and you’re a bad person, and you shouldn’t be eating this. And you know, ice cream is bad for you, and blah, blah, blah, right? So now, not only am I you know, making one bad choice, I’m having a little gremlin in my head, you know, criticizing me about it. So now what I do well, and then like, what do I want now? Now? I just want pizza. Right? You know, because now I just feel like crap. Now I want to eat some feelings, too, right? So it just exacerbates the whole thing. Whereas now I say, Okay, well, ice cream is a component of my happiness, right? It is. Pleasure is a component of happiness, pleasure does not equal happiness. It’s not all of happiness, which is a whole other conversation we can have about our culture. However, it is a component.
Merrett Sheridan 11:48
And it is important to engage in pleasurable activities from time to time. And so now what I do, not only do I make it and all of that, when I eat it, now, I revel in it. And I accept that, yes, this might be not be a healthy choice for my hips. But it’s a healthy choice for my overwhelming overall well being. And I’m going to savor it and enjoy it. And just accept that this is a choice that I’m making. And then and then the criticism can go away. I don’t I don’t criticize myself about it anymore. Right. So at least now I’ve narrowed it down to one, maybe unhealthy choice not to.
Amber Hawley 12:27
Right, right. Right. Yeah. So not adding on top of the misery.
Merrett Sheridan 12:32
Right? Over the ice cream, I’m ready to just go back to you know, I don’t need the pizza, basically, right? I need anything to counteract that nasty Gremlin in my head saying mean things to me.
Amber Hawley 12:44
Yeah. Which, you know, going back to, we’re having those hard days, those bad days. And I think, you know, when we’re in that place of reaction, and we’re making these choices, and then we’re feeling bad about our choices, and then we’re feeling frustrated, just that’s that, you know, like, piling on of things. And that’s what seems to push the momentum for it to continue. Right. And sometimes, I mean, we’ve all had those days where we’re like, I just need to make it to the end of today. And tomorrow is a fresh start, you know, it’s a it’s a new day. And, you know, I’ve had those times to where I’ve caught myself early, like, I can feel that. Okay, I woke up a little late or this didn’t happen. Hey, let me reset. Let me make some choices here. How can I? How can I do it a little different so that I’m not just constantly like feeling behind as I’ll talk about that. Because like, sometimes, sometimes it’s technology, sometimes, you know, you have conflict with people, or fight or something like that.
Amber Hawley 13:40
Sometimes it’s just yeah, feeling like constantly behind, which doesn’t ever feel good. I will have those times where I say, Okay, I know that because of this, I didn’t get to take my walk or something like that. And that makes me feel really good. How can I readjust my schedule in a way that feels good, where I can still get that in eventually, you know, and figure it out? So you can kind of troubleshoot or okay, maybe I won’t get that today. But maybe I can have that tonight? I’ll do that I’ll reset. And I’m like, yes. Okay. All right, I do my thing. And I’ve, those days, it’s making me think that one day I made I was like, I was so proud of myself, I made a good choice. I decide to go on my walk. And then I’m going around the lake and I see these kids like torturing a turtle that I’m like, eff the world, what the eff like, I’m trying to stress really, oh, I’m dealing with shitty people. And then I start thinking, like, I just can’t be around people, you know, like, again, it goes to spiral.
Amber Hawley 14:39
So there are those times where we make those good choices and things still happen. But I think like the more we practice that, you know, I was able to address, you know, those shitty kids but for doing that disgusting thing, but, but like how do I like getting yourself back on track so I just kind of want to point out because I think sometimes it’s like in our fans To see we catch ourselves once and then that means it’s going to the show, we can shift the day and there are days that that happens. And that’s fantastic. And then there are days where it just feels like the ship piles on regardless of us doing it. Right. So what people are in that kind of thing, that kind of space, I guess, what would be your advice to them?
Merrett Sheridan 15:18
Well, there’s kind of two things, but I’ll just sort of what I said before about, you know, that might be the day where you just go, okay, you know, what I tried, it failed, I’m just gonna embrace that I’m gonna be pissed off, and I get to, I get to be pissed off. This is annoying, you know, I’ve tried all the things and it’s still not fucking working. So I’m just going to do whatever I need to do to make myself feel better today, whatever it is, maybe that’s where you just distract and, you know, Netflix and you know, do you know, I mean, because there’s those distracting things are very passive, right, versus what I was saying about doing something that’s sort of engaging and creative, right. But sometimes you just need to sit on the couch and not be around people. And that’s okay. Right, that’s fine. Do that. But the other thing that comes to mind that, you know, you mentioned the word practice, and it really is a practice and, and the thing is, the more that you practice this, this, this mindfulness, the more it’s available to you when you do need it. So remember the Weeble Wobbles. Do you remember that?
Amber Hawley 16:20
Oh, yeah, sometimes we will, but they don’t fall down.
Merrett Sheridan 16:25
So when you do when you build up your resiliency through mindfulness, you, here’s the thing, Wow, there’s so much to say here. So I have to kind of like focus myself. But when a curveball comes and gets used to thing, when you’re worried and anxious, you’re focusing on stuff, that’s probably not going to happen, what if this what if that, right, but when you have one a day like that, and a curveball hits you, right, I wasn’t expecting to have that day you weren’t expecting to have this day, the curveball comes, if you don’t have a lot of resilience, it’s going to knock you to the ground, you’re going to cut yourself up, and it’s going to take some time to just get back on your knees and standing up again. Whereas when you have when you’ve built a stronger inner resilience, through mindfulness, then same thing is gonna happen, it’s all going to be the same, you’re still gonna have same same shitty day curveball is going to come, but it’s gonna hit you, but the impact isn’t going to be as strong, you’re gonna leave a wobble, but you’re not going to fall down.
Merrett Sheridan 17:22
And this goes, and then, you know, the question is how and so this goes to something I call the 95% life. And what I mean by that is that 95% of our days are filled where nothing really happens, right? And I made that number up, this isn’t science or anything, but based on, you know, experience, I’d say that’s a pretty fair assessment like that most of our days are days where nothing, you know, nothing super great happens and nothing super bad happens, right? That’s 5% weddings and funerals, right? Those are the days you just roll with it. You just wherever the wave is taking you you go, right. But that means about 95% of our time of our days is is full of opportunities just to practice the mindfulness, to invite and to be intentional, right?
Merrett Sheridan 18:10
So a day where nothing’s happening, let’s call it just neutral, right? That’s a day where you can be very intentional about what what you want your mindset to be. Because what you focus on and how you interpret the world is how you experience the world, the world is happening. And it’s not it’s not happening for you. And it’s not happening against you. It’s just happening, right? But how you interpret the world and your place in it is how you experience the world. And that’s the kind of stuff that you can start practicing on those days where nothing’s really happening. So that when the curveball does come, you don’t take the hit as badly.
Amber Hawley 18:49
Hmm. I like that. And yeah, I was hoping I knew I was hoping you’d go into that place, because that’s the thing I hear from, you know, clients a lot, too. It’s like, oh, I tried that it didn’t work. And it’s like, okay, but we can’t we you know, there are I always say there’s those times where, like, we have to pass the threshold. And so sometimes we got to do lots of things to like lower us below the threshold of stress or feeling shitty. And so it takes sometimes more than one sometimes it’s you’re just just a little bit over and you do the one thing and it works. And you’re like, Okay, that was great. But I to your point, that’s exactly it. We need to practice those things. And because like one day, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t work. It means that that day, the punch was stronger, right, like going back the hit was stronger that we took. And so we need a little bit more or maybe Yeah, we haven’t practiced enough to build up that resilience. And so I just think it’s one of those important things to look at. Like sometimes we catch ourselves and we’re, and it’s a small thing to get us back on track and sometimes, sometimes we need an overhaul?
Merrett Sheridan 20:02
Well, and think about this way, you don’t go to the gym once, and you’re, you know, your body’s in perfect shape. It’s, it’s, it’s no different than that. And there is physiology here, right? You can, you know, when you have a certain mindset that is the that is like the strong river going through your your brain through neural networking, right? But the brain is is what they call neuro plastic. So the brain is changeable just the way your muscles are, right? And so the more that you practice the mindfulness, yes, it feels like work in the beginning, just like going to the gym, but the more you do it, you start to set those pathways in the brain and those become stronger. But our default setting right in the brain is toward negativity is for worry and fear and what’s gonna you know, what’s gonna come eat me tonight, right? So when you’re passive, you often get stuck in a negative bias situation where you’re kind of looking for problems and threats. So it takes an active process to feed your brain, essentially what you want it right, because there’s literally like billions of pieces of stimuli coming at us at any given time. Right? So whatever filter we choose to have is what we’re going to take in, right. But passive is typically negative. And active is well, whatever you choose to be.
Amber Hawley 21:26
Right. And that that’s where we can have the impact, right? That’s the right. And you know, this, you know, it’s very different than being like that toxic positivity. This is about intentional focus, like you said, whatever you focus on expands, if we only notice the bad things, the negative things, the the disappointments, that’s all we’re gonna see. But if we can train our brain to also notice the good things, the gratitude, the appreciation, we build up that ability to see more of that, right?
Merrett Sheridan 22:01
Absolutely, yeah. Yeah. To your point, you know, the journey to more, excuse me, happiness is straight through your pain, you have to feel your pain, you have to honor your pain. But the way you do that is key, right? Because by building your strengths up, you’re more able to handle the pain, right? And so, you know, it’s always interesting to me how, you know, if I ask people, you know, what, aren’t you good at? What are your weaknesses? They’re like, well, this, not this, not this and that. And I mean, they can just rattle them off. And I say, Okay, well, now tell me what you’re good at, tell me your strengths. And they go, Oh, I really thought about that. It kind of blows my mind. But that’s also what gives me purpose is helping people understand that the law and the here’s the thing too, is the longer you stay in conflict with what you’re not good at what you can’t do, what isn’t working, right or that imposter thing is in there, the longer you stay in conflict with those things. You’re you’re hoarding all that energy that can be used to focus on all the things you’re good at, you’re interested you want to do you’re passionate about, right? So a lot of times, it’s actually about just letting go of, okay, you’re never gonna be a poet, or whatever it may be, you know, you’re never gonna have, you know, a little nose or whatever the thing may be that we tend to focus on, because if we could just get this right, then I’ll be perfect. And then I’ll be lovable, right?
Amber Hawley 23:27
Yes, yeah. I know it is that the what ifs? Or if onlys? Or I think it does, you know, it does keep us in that pain. And I’ve done it, I do it. Like, I have those days where I’m like, If only I had an A said that, or if only this hadn’t happened, then everything would have been different. You know, like, even the other day when I was having a, just one of those days where it was where I felt kind of behind not timewise but I just felt like I was like one step slower than life. I don’t know. And I was like, Oh, well, it was because I went to bed too late, and then I got up late or I woke up, you know, and then I was so tired. And then I didn’t do this. And then I didn’t do that. And if only I had gone to bed earlier, you know, and I was stuck. And then it’s like, okay, that’s not serving me. I mean, I can have a moment to reflect on that. Because sometimes it’s we need to reflect to say, Okay, remember, make better choices go to bed earlier, you know, cooler, be more Yeah, to learn to be thoughtful, but at a certain point, we’re just beating ourselves up and it’s like, okay, but that didn’t happen. Right now. So right. What? Yeah,
Merrett Sheridan 24:34
well, I happen to you know, I think about the ticker tape. You remember on the news channels I used to have on it, you know, once the ticker tape has gone around once you need to let it go. There’s a there’s a tipping point where there’s a tipping point where you’re learning you’re listening or you know, you’re you’re thinking, thinking pondering even to the point of what I would say hustling, that’s all good. But once you’ve hit that tipping point into ruminating fretting, you know, looping, you know, you’re, you’re not helping yourself. And I have a little trick for that. I call it the what if game, right? Because coming from that survival negativity place, it’s like, well, what if this happens? What if they don’t like me? And what if I don’t get the part? Or what if I’ve failed the test, right? Or what if the plane crashes, right? So that part of the brain that what ifs is always gonna what if, right? But what you can do to trick it and the brain is very powerful, but it’s also very trackable. So you can, you can insert whatever content you want. So the brain is gonna What if I suggest Well, instead of one thing from survival brain, try one thing from thriving brain? If you want to thrive? How does how does thriving brain answer the what if questions? What if I passed the test? What if the plane lands safely? What if enough people love me like, you know? And here’s the thing, because either way, you’re just telling yourself a story. Yeah, it’s all a story. You don’t know the truth? You know, especially with the plane. I love that one because you have zero control over that, right? Yeah, there’s nothing you can think your way through that’s going to make that plan land safely.
Amber Hawley 26:15
So you can use what we all do right at the edge isn’t doing anything.
Merrett Sheridan 26:22
Right. It’s a ritual brings you comfort and peace. I’m all for it. That’s and that’s my point, you know, but if you’re going to be worried between now and take off, then you’re just going to be worried between now and take off, it’s going to do absolutely nothing. So if you want to thrive, and I think most people do, they just don’t always know how to is to start. And that’s just a great practice, you know, catch yourself doing it and like you do it, I do it, you know, but the more you practice it, the more you and then you get that nice feedback loop because here’s the other thing is one is catastrophizing and one is fantasizing right. And again, that’s what you know, thoughts lead to feelings, right? So if you’re catastrophizing? What if everything goes wrong? How do you feel? Right? You feel angsty and worried and crappy. If you’re fantasizing, this is why we fantasize. It feels real good, right? The brain, that part of the brain that controls it doesn’t know the difference between being on a beach in Maui or pretending you’re on a beach in Maui. Yeah, right. And we all know it because we’ve all done it. So that’s the part. And because feelings follow thoughts, you really can trick yourself, trick your brain into feeling what you want to feel. And that’s a beautiful thing. You actually have a lot more control over your feelings. And bullet point. Everything we do is about how we feel.
Amber Hawley 27:47
Hmm, wow, that feels I mean, yes. I was like, Oh, that felt that. That was just hitting me so deep, right. Yeah, as somebody who’s been in, I think, like a lot of people lately. It’s interesting, because it feels like people are, I’m hearing more of the struggle I’m hearing and not just because of the work I do, right. Like, yes, I’m hearing of course, I hear that from clients, but, but also from like, friends and family just it feels like things are a little extra hard right now. So being aware of that? How can we support ourselves get that, that rest and reprieve and allow ourselves to not suffer more than we need to? Because there are some things that some circumstances and shit we’re going through, that isn’t going to change? Right, but and it’s still going to be painful. And we have to feel it and go through that and experience that. But how can we stop that needless suffering, which is I think, you know, what we’re talking about when you’re just having those days that are a little off not about not those major tragedies, you know, those two and a half percent as you were, it’s like those days that are validly horrible, horrible that we all go through. But these types that that are just skewing negative, or these things are happening, like how can we, how can we alleviate having to be in that place for ourselves?
Merrett Sheridan 29:16
Yeah. And, you know, I want to just delineate there because you just said something that I think is really important. So negative things are happening. And that’s correct. I think our culture has a way of saying and that leads to negative feelings. And I’m kind of on a little bit of a crusade to change that language. There are no negative feelings. There’s very uncomfortable family. Yeah, but they’re not negative. They’re actually there to serve you and alert you and teach you right, because when we can feel an uncomfortable feeling, and open ourselves up to well, what is the message that it’s trying to send me What is it trying to teach me about my internal or external environment, right? and listen to that, then we can learn and maybe maybe mitigate feeling it as much, right? Because it is uncomfortable. And it’s telling us well, something here just isn’t quite right. Right. But if we label it as negative, and we’re never supposed to feel it, we’re only supposed to be happy and we shove that shit down. Well, it doesn’t go anywhere. does not go anywhere those feelings want to be heard. They’re so important.
Amber Hawley 30:28
Well, yeah. And to that point, I mean, I think about, you know, I’m thinking about recently, like loss like death, like losing people, because yeah, passed away. And it’s like, well, of course, you’re gonna feel sad, that’s an appropriate response is to feel sad. That’s part of the grieving process. And so yeah, feeling it, you’re still going to be in it. And it’s not probably going to lessen immediately, right? Although if we never allow ourselves to grieve, and process and feel that stuff that we do stay stuck in it, or it comes back later in, in different ways. Right. And so yeah, I like that perspective of, like, we’re meant to feel all of the feelings. Yes, sometimes it’s to teach us things. Sometimes we’re angry, because we we need to be aware that our boundaries are being crossed. Sometimes when sometimes we’re, yeah, we feel this stuff, because that’s what we’re meant to do. And you know, like, you, there are times you should feel sad, you should be mourning the loss of that person, whether that’s through death or through breakups. As I, again, I feel like the themes that I’ve been hearing about are that like lots of breakups and divorces and just like really hard things that people are going through. And it’s, it’s actually appropriate to feel that. So I like that distinction about not calling him negative feelings. I agree with you on that. 100% There’s
Merrett Sheridan 31:56
no love without paying. Yes, I lost with that. Right? Just yeah. Well, I feel like oh, I know.
Amber Hawley 32:06
I know. I was like, I feel like we could keep going and going and going about?
Merrett Sheridan 32:12
Yes.
Amber Hawley 32:13
I mean, we this is what we do for a living. So I guess we technically are talking about it. Yeah, but I just thought it was really helpful. And I, you know, I appreciated because I think that day, like we were supposed to meet earlier in the day, and you’re like, Oh, I’m just worried, you know, I’m gonna go to the store. And I don’t know how long things will take, which is the I mean, that’s just thoughtful planning right there. Because sometimes we think, Oh, everything’s gonna we have the optimism bias, if everything’s gonna work out perfectly, I’m gonna go there, you know, they’re gonna have what I need, it’s gonna, there’s not going to be align, everything will go smoothly, and then you’ll plug it right in. And two seconds later, you have internet. And so you, you reaching out ahead of time giving space for that. And then you’re like, Oh, can we move it back? And I said, I have, you know, an hour later. And then I was like, oh, wait a minute, you know, I can actually do later in the evening. So literally put no pressure on yourself. Like, let’s, let’s give ourselves so much space that because I know when you’re stuck in that space, and then you’re like, oh my gosh, I gotta rush I got a rush. I feel that it exacerbates the conflicts you run into.
Merrett Sheridan 33:24
And that’s why my overarching motto in all of life is Flexibility is the key to mental health and acceptance is the door. And that’s a lot of really what we cover today. Right? And the more psychologically flexible you can be the more options you can see. And when you can accept things and drop the rope you can move forward.
Amber Hawley 33:43
There’s I’m telling you there’s a lot of tweetable here if I was a tweeter if I was a tweeter as I forgot, who used to call it that. Boy, this episode is filled with a lot of language. Can you tell my day? Just kidding, actually, I’m good days. I still have that too. But yeah, that’s I love that. I love it. Those are those are some definite quotables is what I’ll say.
Merrett Sheridan 34:09
Well, I’m working on putting something together for that. So yeah, be continued on that. Well, and I’m sure things that are like you can remember right?
Amber Hawley 34:21
Yeah, well, yes. Because if our if it’s, if it’s catchy, our brain can remember it. We go to it, and then we’re like, Okay, this is what I this is what I need to use in this moment. I got to remember this right? If people are listening, and I’m sure they’re like, Oh, I love that that was so great. And they want to hear more from you. Where should they go?
Merrett Sheridan 34:40
They should go to share it with merrett.com. Merrett is m E R r e t t so not the easiest name in the world to spell but it is what it is. And from there they can find videos I have I’m going to be doing more. I’ve got a few videos is up already. But you know, my mission in life is just to share this information and to put it out there and to really be a catalyst. You know, I want to live in a world. And this is very idealistic, I get that. But you know, you got to shoot for the stars is I want to live in a world where everybody has the ability and the opportunity to share their gifts, talents and skills to the world. And so my gifts, talents and skills are to be a catalyst for that. And so, so that’s where to find it. And I’ll just be putting more and more stuff up. I just started a tick tock too. But
Amber Hawley 35:36
hey, but but experimenting is the key to growth, right? Like, we just got to experiment. I love it.
Merrett Sheridan 35:44
Well, and honestly, it’s just fun. It’s kind of just a fun thing.
Amber Hawley 35:47
Of course, of course. So all of the information will be in the show notes. Casey didn’t catch that, but share with merit. But thank you merit for coming on. And I think this will be helpful for people because obviously, we all again, like I started I was like, I know everybody goes through this. There are times we say you might or perhaps and this I was like, Oh no, we all know this is the human experience. So thank you. Thank you.
Merrett Sheridan 36:17
Well, thank you for having me. Always a pleasure to see you my friend.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
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