The Benefits and Drawbacks of Having a Business Support System

00:00:25 - Amber Hawley
Welcome to season one of the My Biz Bestie podcast. I'm Amber Hawley.

00:00:28 - Maelisa Hall
And I'm Melissa Hall.

00:00:30 - Amber Hawley
And today we're going to be talking about the benefits and drawbacks of having a business support system.

00:00:36 - Maelisa Hall
And this is actually from our presentation that we gave at the ADHD conference. And we thought we would share a little bit about this with you.

00:00:47 - Amber Hawley
Yeah. And it's just one little portion, but we realized there was a lot of value in that when we were discussing it with the group of ladies at the conference that we were at. And so we thought, Yeah, we would expand on it a little bit because I think we've touched on these things, but maybe not in a straightforward kind of way or just really kind of laid it all out in one episode.

00:01:11 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah, so I think it'll be nice to... A good way to think about what are the benefits and the potential drawbacks, I think, are things that we don't talk about a whole lot. So I think it's good to go over. Awesome.

00:01:24 - Amber Hawley
All right. Do you want to get us started with the first benefit? Sure.

00:01:28 - Maelisa Hall
Yes. And this, most people will be nodding their heads, which is that you would feel when you have a really great professional tribe or a business support system, you feel a lot more supported and not judged for your struggles. So this was something I remember when we went to BizChicks Live, which feels like a while ago now, but it was...
what, like six weeks ago, maybe two months ago, when Natalie Ekdahl came out on the stage and started everything, one of the first things she said was that people, that none of us needed a lot more information. And that one of the big things that she provides people is just letting other female entrepreneurs know they're not alone and that everybody else is struggling with the same thing.

00:02:12 - Amber Hawley
And that really struck me. Yes. And it's one of those things where it's in some ways you're like, well, duh. But it is huge. But it's so big, right? This is what you would expect. And at the same time, that's part of the loneliness, I think, of the entrepreneurial journey is that there are so many struggles.
And, you know, sometimes they come up and they last five minutes. Sometimes they last five days. Sometimes they last five months. But it's having somebody that you can kind of just talk about it with. And then they feel you just feel better because it's just like being heard and have somebody else say, oh, yeah.
I've been there, done that, or sorry, you're going through this, whatever. It really does make a difference just to share in that.

00:02:54 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. And I feel like that's one of those things that I start to take for granted, especially now that I have you as the bestie and I have this much bigger and really... pretty in-depth support system. I kind of forget that there are people out there who don't have that sometimes.
And when you're talking to your friends, or I'll think about this when I talk to family members, or even sometimes my husband, and then I have to go backwards because I can't just explain some struggle. I have to then give a backstory about it or explain what Zoom is or something like that.
And it doesn't come across the same way. So it's so helpful when you have people where you have a shared language and you have this shared lifestyle so you can communicate about those things and other people get it.

Yes.

00:03:44 - Amber Hawley
And I think we do have the added benefit of a lot of our support system are fellow therapists or psychologists or people in the mental health field. And so... the good ones are really good at doing this because it's really easy to be able to validate and normalize what you're going through.
And that's all it really takes sometimes. It's not that somebody has to solve your problem, but they just validate you and normalize it, right? And yeah, and we have that on so many different levels with our mavens, with our extended tribe, with our relationship, of course.
And then mostly I get that from almost everybody in my support network, whether they're friends or family, but they don't always understand it to the same level as fellow business owners. And I will say, even though my husband is extremely supportive, and I've said that before, and he is, there are times where I'll share something and he'll be like, oh yeah, that was bad.

And I'm like, hey, looking for a little love here right now. And so, and he's right. He's not wrong and he's not being mean, but he forgets the validate part sometimes. So I think that that's a big one. So yeah, I think it is so big. And obviously that's why Natalie started off that whole event talking about that.
For sure. Yeah. Right.

00:05:06 - Maelisa Hall
And our next big benefit, which a lot of people, again, might be nodding their heads along to this, is that you can brainstorm and get feedback from people who know your business and your work environment. And this is obviously if you are... You don't have to be with people who are in the exact same industry to get that.
I think brainstorming actually and getting feedback from people who are in a slightly different industry can be really beneficial. But you want to at least... be getting feedback from people who are in a business, right? Who have that similar background.

00:05:41 - Amber Hawley
Yeah. And like you said, there's value in having those people that are, you know, same industry and value in different industry, of course. But I do think it's a big piece of, you know, it cuts down the learning curve. It allows you to not just stay, you know, spinning in your own mind.
And so you can just, you know, talk about something quickly and get that feedback, you know, whether they're like, hey, I don't really get it. or, you know, being wholeheartedly supporting you, it kind of gives you an indication of, you know, where might you look at things a little bit differently or maybe make an adjustment.
So I think that's so awesome. And when you have people you really trust and respect, and you know that they're giving you even the critical feedback, like it's so valuable. And I think that that's one of the biggest benefits.

00:06:29 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. And even, I mean, with brainstorming, you don't even have to be in a major... this doesn't have to be with only your biz bestie or only in a mastermind or a specific group. You could be at a general business meeting and doing brainstorming, or this is why you and I love to do things like check out what other people are doing or listen to podcasts, or this is why you go to conferences and all of that.
So you're getting different ideas. And the more you expand what you're exposed to, then you get, you're like, oh, that would be an awesome idea for me to add to this product I have, or that would be a really great thing for me to think about doing next year, you know?

00:07:09 - Amber Hawley
Yeah, exactly. And there's something about having somebody that doesn't even know you that well, just say, hey, this might be really cool. And initially it might be like, well, that doesn't really work for me or whatever. But as you kind of sit on it for a while, sometimes it does, it sparks that thing, you know, that magical like aha moment where you're, it either, it might not be that exact thing, thing, but it gives you that idea that you kind of run with.

00:07:34 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. Well, and it's kind of funny. I actually did this with my husband a week or two ago where we were talking and I was just kind of like sharing what I'm planning to do with my business in 2018 and kind of generally talking about different things. And he was really kind of in a brainstorming mood and was open to talking about some ideas.
And he gave me this new idea to add to a membership program that I'm going to be doing next year. And I was like, oh my gosh, that's so brilliant. And for some reason, it was something I hadn't thought of. And it wasn't that I had never heard anyone talk about it before.
I've heard of other people add this thing in there. But whenever he said it, it just clicked. And so you never know when that's going to happen.

00:08:18 - Amber Hawley
Yes. And I think, you know, at the conferences we've been to, I've seen a lot of these moments happen for people, whether it was just witnessing it where two people are talking and somebody has that aha, or us kind of giving feedback to somebody or vice versa.
I saw that a lot. And again, these are people we had just met at a conference. And so there is a lot of value in just talking with people who are in that business space and business oriented.

00:08:46 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. Which I think also brings us to the next benefit, which I love this because I know that you prepared most of these benefits and drawbacks for this presentation. And I feel like we had to sort of skip over this particular part of our presentation when we gave this at the ADHD conference.
So we kind of breezed through this part. And so that we could focus on a couple of other areas. And so I'm like, even looking at these points, I'm like, yeah, this is so validating. It's so awesome. Yeah, we talked, we had too much to say.

00:09:15 - Amber Hawley
So we had to rush through.

00:09:18 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. But the fact that, you know, other people, there are other people who can see and appreciate your gifts and what you have to offer, even when you can't see it yourself.

00:09:28 - Amber Hawley
Yes. And this is a great one, especially, I mean... I guess it would be for everybody, but I could see it, especially when the work you're doing is very like giving of yourself and it's very service oriented. When you're in that space, you can have those rough days or a rough client or something kind of not go the way it typically would.
And it's easy to kind of get down on yourself and be in that space of, you know, I don't know what I'm doing or, you know, kind of catastrophizing, I guess. And so it's so good to have those people who can, bring you back to reality and let you know like, hey, you're awesome at this.
You just had a bad day. So again, it's like perspective.

00:10:11 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. And I think also it's helpful as you become more and more successful. I think you start to take for granted some of those. In some ways, I think you do value your strengths a little bit more because... at a certain level, you have to start hiring out other people, right?
So then you think about, okay, well, what do I do well? And those are the things I'm going to focus on. But at the same time, it can be easy to forget that maybe the things that you do well or do really easily are really amazing strengths and gifts that you have that other people don't have, you know?
And so when you talk with others, I can even think of, I remember Amy Porterfield talking about in a podcast episode, talking about giving presentations and, and, how much of a struggle it was for her to implement Q&A as part of her presentations.

And I remember thinking like, really? I think of Amy Porterfield as this amazing presentation giver, this amazing presenter and this great businesswoman. And that's something for me that's always been a gift. That comes really naturally and easily to me.
So even hearing that, I was like, oh, wow, okay, that's kind of cool. I mean, I know we're talking about this in the context of having a professional tribe who can give you this feedback, but I think it's nice to recognize those things about yourself and be like, yeah, okay, that is my gift.
I am really good at that.

00:11:30 - Amber Hawley
Yeah. And I think too, maybe throughout our lives, we might be getting feedback that maybe we're not so good at something. And sometimes we can play that old tape, even if that doesn't hold true now, right? We may have struggled with something or we may have had a tendency.
I mean, I think about this when, there's part of it is like knowing yourself, of course, but then there's part of it of, I'm not sure we need to buy into that narrative. I think when you talk about us not being detailed people, and in some ways, you're absolutely right.
And then in some ways, I'm like, dude, you are so detailed. You get so much done and you really organize a lot. So when you're constantly saying that, I'm always like, what? What are you talking about? You're great at organizing things and making it happen.
But again, it's just perspective.

So Making sure that we're not taking... And it depends how you're looking at it, right? But it is nice to have somebody kind of give you that feedback that you don't have to hold on to old narratives that maybe aren't true or don't serve you so well anymore.
So that I think is a benefit for sure. And then on the opposite side of that, this is something that I got from grad school and I call it carefrontations. And that's when... And I do this in therapy, but I definitely... I think this is a value... Thank you so much for having me.

Relationship, it doesn't cause discord or tension, and it really allows the other person, you know, to grow because they're open to it. That to me is where the magic can happen because we are not perfect people. I've often said, you know, we're in the wrong species for that.
We are not perfect. And so being open to getting that kind of feedback is really important. And I do think it matters how you present it, but that to me is one of the most valuable when I can get you know, really thoughtful and loving feedback from somebody in my support tribe about something, it's very, very helpful.

00:13:44 - Maelisa Hall
Absolutely. Yeah. And I love that. Even the phrase is like, oh, yeah, okay, I care about you. And because I care about you, I'm going to take the time to actually, like, critically think about this, right? And give you my honest feedback. in a way that can show that I care about you.

00:14:01 - Amber Hawley
And if I think back to our last episode with Tiffany and Allison, I think, I care about you, so I'm going to call you on your shit. And that can be very helpful. Yeah, and some people, it's going to be more gentle than others. You know, that's a personality thing.
But again, I think it's about the openness of the person receiving it as well. And that's, to me, the best dynamic in those relationships. I mean, I feel like that happens... here and there in our BizBestie and tribe relationships. But the one that stands out for me is when Lorena gave me some helpful but tough love feedback when we were at the BizChicks conference.
I was contemplating whether or not to do something at the moment. And she basically gave... She just laid it out there and was like, hey, maybe this is...

Maybe this consequence, you needed to learn this because you're not prepared. So I was unable to jump on an opportunity because I wasn't prepared and ready to do so. And she's like, hey, so there you go. And she did it. It was much more direct, but it was very valuable.
And I didn't take it as mean or hostile or anything. It was like, whoa, you're right.

00:15:11 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. And she was just pointing out, right? Like, hey, it doesn't make sense for you to do this right now because you're not ready. And that's the lesson for you.

00:15:19 - Amber Hawley
Yes.

00:15:19 - Maelisa Hall
Is what could you do to be ready so when this opportunity comes up again, you can take advantage of it.

00:15:25 - Amber Hawley
It was amazing the way she said it. Yeah. And I think what, you know, I'm kind of being... dancing around it a little bit. But the reason also it could have been even harder is it had to do with being financially ready. And I think that's a hot button for so many people anyway, but it was what I needed to hear because I do get very excited about things and I want to do everything.
But because of that, I didn't set myself up for the thing that probably would have been better than all the other stuff I had done this year. Not all the other stuff, but a lot of the things that I had done in this last year. So- which was valuable because that's something that I struggle with.
And I point out for people, I call it whittling away your money, where you kind of do that here and there, little bits throughout the year, hundreds, thousands, whatever. And then when these awesome opportunities come, you say, oh, I can't afford it.

And it's like, well, you could have if you made different choices.

00:16:18 - Maelisa Hall
So yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that scenario also speaks to the benefits of having multiple people in your tribe or in your support system. Because you asked me right before talking with her, and I even told you, this is something I am also so excited about that I can't be, what's the word I'm looking for?
I can't be objective about it. I told you.

00:16:41 - Amber Hawley
And you were like, yes. Which was so great. Yeah. I appreciated that, though. Like the fact that you could say I cannot be objective. And then I went to my other biz bestie person and I already knew the answer there was going to be like, don't do it. You can't, you know, whatever.
And so I kind of already knew like both you and Malaya's. like response. So going to Lorena, who is outside of that, the usual feedback loop for me, because she lives across the country, I don't get to see her as much. But when she came in, and she came in strong, it was just very valuable.
And I was like, Okay, yeah, she's right. Like I felt I felt it in my bones, right? Like I'm still making the decision. It's still my decision to make. But when she said it, it just it resonated with me so much, even though it was a little like, oh, little gut punch, but I needed that.
And I think that that's, to me, that's the kind of business support system I want.

I want something really authentic and really, we go a little bit deeper, right?

00:17:40 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. Yeah. And I can even, I can think of a scenario now that kind of like hurt in the moment too, where I definitely include my husband in my business support system in a different way. But one of the things... I had created an About You video that I had on my homepage, right?
And I just took advice. So many people say, you just got to do it, right? Even with this podcast, we got that advice. Just go out there and record it right now. Because so many things with entrepreneurship, you just have to take action. So I did that with a video I made, but the video was terrible.
It was horrible. It did not convey my personality at all. It was one of the first videos I'd ever made. And so I just wasn't comfortable. And even though I've... I've done some, I did like theater and stuff like that. It's just a totally different thing when there's nobody except a computer staring at you, you know, and you're trying to like be excited in front of it.

And so my husband saw it and he was like, that's not good. And I was like, but I put all this work into it. And he was, he was really nice, but he was like, he was like, yeah, but, this is a video that's supposed to highlight how you are. And this does, he's like, that is not you.
He's like, it's not highlighting how you are. He's like, I know you can do a lot better and I think you should do it again. Yes.

00:18:52 - Amber Hawley
And it was kind of like, oh, you know, but it was he, but he was valuable, you know, to be able, he could have spared you some, some heartache down the road there. I know. Yeah. And I think, yeah, having that is so valuable and especially when you're open to it instead of, being in a place where you're ready to get offended by it as opposed to, Hey, let me grow from this.
And you still may disagree. You might look at it again and say, eh, you know, actually I think it is pretty good and it's a good start or whatever. But you also might say, yeah, you know what? This is worth redoing. And so again, the decision is still with you, but it's about having these trusted, you know, support systems.

00:19:32 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. And having people where you can be like, you know what? You're right.

00:19:34 - Amber Hawley
But gosh, that really sucks right now.

00:19:36 - Maelisa Hall
Like it does not make me happy.

00:19:40 - Amber Hawley
So, The next benefit that we kind of highlighted was it can be like having a business coach of sorts, but it's based on a reciprocal relationship. And I know we have touched on this before when we even talked about, I think it was in our mentors episode where we talk about the fact that even though we do have these relationships, there are times where we still go out and seek out a business coach or some kind of support session.
But probably we do it far less than we would otherwise because we have each other.

00:20:09 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. I think about my first year in business is totally different than now because that year I did seek out information from experts. While I have that, I do still do that in some ways. I have so many other people I can reach out to who have acquired knowledge in different areas and I actually know experts in different things now, you know, so I can ask people and we can share information in a reciprocal way.

00:20:36 - Amber Hawley
Yes. And I think that's the key part. It's, you know, this is based on reciprocity and whether they're part of your tribe or, you know, the extended support system or it is your biz bestie, it doesn't really matter. You want to have that reciprocal relationship.
And that doesn't mean 50-50. This isn't tit for tat. It's, you know, giving... what you can, what you feel comfortable with, what you're able to do at that time, and being open to give back to the person who's given you that support.

00:21:06 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. And I think the next one, I think, ties in with a lot of the other things we've talked about, but is also so important. And that's, they can keep you in a positive mindset. So they help you stay there so you don't get stuck in being upset about something that you messed up on, you have to be able to pick yourself up and move on.
I think part of entrepreneurship is that you have to lean a little bit towards positivity because while you need to think about all the potential things that could go wrong, you really have to focus. You're never going to take action if you're not thinking about all the ways it could go right or all the awesome things that could happen.

00:21:47 - Amber Hawley
Yeah, definitely. And I was actually just speaking to somebody who's new in business on Friday, and we were talking about this. And I said, you know, obviously these things will go on. And I said, but really surround yourself. Don't surround yourself with those people who are kind of stuck in the heaviness and the difficulty of all of it.
You have to make sure that you're surrounding yourself with people who... have that hopefulness or that positive outlook. And it doesn't have to be 100% of the time, but it definitely, I feel it impacts your flow. And when you're in a state of flow, I feel like things just get easier.
And that's because you're doing the work and you're in the right mindset and you're surrounding yourself with positive people. And this, again, doesn't mean that shitty things won't happen because they will, but you don't get derailed. You just keep going.

And I guess that makes me think about that Jim Rohn quote, the quote, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. You're going to be sharing the struggles and supporting each other, but you don't want to be with a bunch of people who stay mired in that because then you're not going to be in that state of flow.

00:22:55 - Maelisa Hall
Oh my gosh. And it's so easy to do that. I mean, I think we've all had that happen. And I've had that experience a lot more when I was working at a company where it's so easy for everyone to kind of bond around complaining about things. and get stuck in that.
And it does no benefit. And it's really amazing, especially if you've had that experience at a job and then you go back and hang out with people from that job. I've heard this from almost everyone who's done this. A year later, let's say you go have lunch with a bunch of your former colleagues and they're still complaining about the same thing.
And you're like, you know what? I've still moved on. I have such better things to do than sit here and complain about this.

00:23:37 - Amber Hawley
That's the perspective, right? Like being able to get out of it. And as human beings, we do biologically skew negative. So it does take a little bit of effort. And for some people that comes easier than others. And I think there's nothing wrong with being real about your struggles because that's, we absolutely think that that's an important thing, but it's again, it's, is that all you talk about and do you stay mired in it?
So having those people who maybe are a little bit better at it than you are great to surround yourself with because it kind of kicks you in gear. Oh, for sure.

00:24:06 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. And that speaks to the next point too, which is that it's not all just about business. So when you have a professional tribe or a really good business support system, they are supporting the other parts of your life too. It's too difficult to segment these things.
and keep them separate.

00:24:27 - Amber Hawley
Yeah. And I think, you know, again, depending on the structure you're looking for, we've talked to people where they really do keep it much more business oriented and that's fine. But what we're kind of talking about and I guess what we have found very valuable is more of an integration of that.
And so that's been nice for us, I think, to feel like we have both that personal support and that professional support.

00:24:51 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah, for sure. I don't know. For me, it's so difficult. Maybe being an entrepreneur who does a lot of stuff online, I end up working at home a lot, but it's really difficult to separate it out completely because I feel like it all feeds into one another.
But even when I had a corporate job, it was like if I was having a really crappy time with stuff in my personal life, that would impact me at work and we would talk about stuff as coworkers. Of course. You know, I think sometimes maybe as entrepreneurs, we want to focus so much on the business.
And yet you think about it as co-workers, you're talking about your personal things a lot too. So it's really not that different.

00:25:30 - Amber Hawley
Yeah. And I think about a lot of the clients I have that when they're going through something really big, whether that's a big trauma or big transition or whatever, they're usually... the ones that feel the most supported are the ones that will tell me, yeah, I've reached out to one, maybe two people at the office.
So they know what's going on so that they have that person who will kind of get it if they seem like short or if they're having a rough day and just they already have the knowledge of what's going on for them. And that's very valuable. So I think there is something about sharing that as well.
And again, if you don't want to structure it that way, that's fine. I just think that there is a lot of value in it. Yeah.

00:26:07 - Maelisa Hall
It's like, you don't have to do it the way we do it, but you know, the way we do it is pretty awesome.

00:26:10 - Amber Hawley
It is the best way to do it. But if you insist on doing it your way, that's fine too. Just kidding a little bit. Well, and number one, the reason to have the benefit of having a business support system is it's a lot of fun.

00:26:27 - Maelisa Hall
I know it is. It's totally fine. I mean, and you can make it fun, right? You can mix business with pleasure and go out for drinks while you talk business or go on a retreat or laugh while you're talking to one another over the phone.

00:26:41 - Amber Hawley
Yeah. Be goofy, be silly, whatever. Just relax and have that be part of that flow state, right? Totally.

00:26:50 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. I love it. But I mean, we're ENFPs, so having fun is not that difficult for us.

00:26:55 - Amber Hawley
This is true, especially when we're together live.

00:26:58 - Maelisa Hall
Yes, we have a blast.

00:26:59 - Amber Hawley
Yes. And I think, you know, I know we're moving on because especially because of time, we do need to move on. But something I was thinking about, I think it was yesterday or today, earlier, is I'm with I spend at least 20 hours a week with clients because I work one-on-one and they're one-hour sessions usually, sometimes longer.
Sometimes I do private retreats, so it's even more than that. And then I have employees and I do supervision and I have three kids. And so I feel like a lot of my time is spent giving to people. And so just the structure of my day, it's really long. So there's a lot of time it may seem like And finally, I get to see my husband because before our schedules were even opposite.
So I didn't even get to spend time with him. But I was either with clients or kids or alone. And so having the support system really made me feel like...

Okay, I can actually talk about my needs and what I want and what I'm needing in this moment and not just be about, you know, serving and taking care of others. So I think that for me is why I need a biz bestie who can be more available. That was kind of the thought I came to.
It's like, that's kind of why I, cause I feel like I'm always in that place of whether again, it's employees, children, you know, clients, which I love all of that, but it's like, you're always giving and And not so much the receiving.

00:28:20 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah, absolutely. And I feel the same way, I mean, I think for different reasons, but where I want to have a relationship where I don't have to worry so much about, you know, what the other person is constantly needing or how... Different things might impact them because I don't have to worry.
If I don't call you for some reason, you're not going to freak out that I am mad at you or something weird is going on. It's great to know that there's no pressure there and we can both support one another and be there for one another, but that we do just have a lot of fun and it's really low key.
I think we both need that.

00:28:57 - Amber Hawley
Like something that's really low key. So obviously, this just sounds so fabulous. Why doesn't everybody do it and make it happen now? So we will touch on a few of the drawbacks of having that business support system.

00:29:12 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah, so there could be a few drawbacks. And obviously, these are things you can work through. But the first would be, depending on what others in your support system are wanting and needing out of a group, especially if you have a more structured group, then it really might be too much or too little social interaction for you.
So I know we did one whole episode just on the blessings of introversion and extroversion, but that's something you want to think of. I mean, I've even heard of different retreats or different business events that different coaches have done. And some of them are very socially focused and might have a lot of partying or might have drinking or different things.
And you want to think about is that the type of environment you want to be in? Are those the type of people who are going to be a great tribe and support system for you?

Or do you need something that's a little bit more chill and has more alone time or more time for you to recharge on your own?

00:30:08 - Amber Hawley
Yes, yes. And this also kind of expands on what I just said of this is why... I think I would need more interaction from somebody I would consider my biz bestie. So in the tribe, the general extended tribe of people and support system, I'm okay with not having all of that interaction because there's just so much time in the day.
But for that inner, inner circle for me, I'm going to need more of that for the reasons I just said, that there is a lot of draw on my energy. And so I do need, because I am an extrovert, I do need that social time and I need that. I need somebody who can match me at that, right?
Absolutely.

00:30:46 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. And I think it's just something you have to think about in the different settings you're in.

00:30:51 - Amber Hawley
It's funny when you were describing that, when you were describing people putting on certain kinds of events and seeing if that's a good fit for you, my mind kind of wandered a little bit, shocking. And I started thinking about, there was this person, this was like seven years ago, Who is like?
She was kind of like a business coach of sorts, and she was really interesting. And I kind of followed her stuff online, just kind of watched her and saw like, her stuff. And she did this big annual retreat as part of her big package and the retreat.
Like, I remember them showing pictures of all of the women, like playing volleyball and bikinis and stuff like that, and I was like, Oh. Now, I'm an extrovert, but that just, I was like, that's not really my comfort zone. Like, that's just not, like, I don't know, that feels a little too, I was going to say weird to call it like touchy-feely because I am a therapist, but at the same time, I'm like, eh, I don't know.

It's just a different vibe. So I think it's just about knowing the vibe that you're looking for. I ultimately did not do that one.

00:31:54 - Maelisa Hall
Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, totally. And that's, I mean, I've even, I've left Facebook groups. you know, because Facebook groups are a part of how we connect with a lot of people and also a part of how I get to know people who are potential customers too. And there are certain groups that have just been so...
have felt so draining to me and where people are... constantly obsessing over certain topics or questioning people a lot. And I was like, you know what? I have to leave this group because this is just not even something. It's taking away so much from me.
It's not the kind of social interaction I want. Yes, yes.

00:32:32 - Amber Hawley
So that can be the downside. And so the culture of the group or the community really matters. So another downside, another drawback can be when you have somebody in a tribe. And so we're talking about kind of the bigger, you know, ours is our group of nine, but it could be even bigger than that.
When you have somebody in the tribe who's not a good fit, it can change the effectiveness or diminish the value of the group.

00:32:55 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. And it can be difficult if you're not... great at addressing that right away. I think if you have something, I think this is where, like we talked about with masterminds, there can be a big benefit to paying someone to organize this type of structure for you because then you have someone who you automatically know will take the lead on addressing this type of thing.
But if you have a group that you've just sort of created on your own, it can be difficult to identify that. And yet, if you don't identify that, inevitably, it will diminish the value of your group because you're not all going to be on the same page.
You're not all going to have the same level of trust that you could have had. And it's going to have a negative impact.

00:33:31 - Amber Hawley
Yeah, and it impacts morale, right? I think that I know that in season two, we're going to have a full episode that's all about what to do when things go bad and kind of the different personalities that can come up in Or in biz bestie relationships that are really difficult.
But I think about this one is in the therapy world, we have this term that's called help rejecting complainer. And I think that that kind of person can show up a lot. And when you have a small group dynamic, that can be really difficult to navigate if, like you said, there's not somebody that can address that and kind of take them aside and kind of talk to them about that because it really is, it is a drag.
And then it feels like, I do think it impacts the trust level of the group.

Plus you're kind of wallowing in that negativity too. So definitely when somebody is not a good fit, that can be a bad impact on your group.

00:34:28 - Maelisa Hall
Right, right. And it's funny because kind of our next point on a drawback is kind of the flip side where if you're someone who's prone to workaholism, which I think both of us are, and you don't have people that you socialize with outside of your business tribe or your business support system, it can really lead to kind of hyper-focusing on work and leaving, you know, very little room for outside endeavors.
And for especially people, I think of, you know, people who have kids like yourself, you already have this other thing that is really, really time consuming. But you still have to have time for yourself and you have to have time for fun. And your time is already going to be so limited.
But if you're with someone where you constantly talk about work, that can be a drawback because you need to just chill out sometimes.

00:35:18 - Amber Hawley
Yes. And yeah, I think we can talk about this stuff all the time. I feel like I am a total failure at workaholic. at this point. After every child, I feel I have been less and less the go-getter. I've kind of slacked off on that. It doesn't mean that I don't think about it all the time, but I also am really good at just turning it off and being done.
And so that's why often we've mentioned before how sometimes we don't talk all weekend. It just depends on what's going on. But there are times I don't even look at my phone all weekend. So it really depends. Obviously, if I'm taking a picture of the kids or something, I will.
But I'm not always accessible that way either because I do like to totally check out from everything and just focus on that having fun part. And I do have girlfriends that aren't involved in my business at all.

And I rarely, if ever, talk about it, just like they don't. and we just focus on what we're doing. And so I do think that there's a huge benefit for that as well.

00:36:19 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. And I think that's also the benefit of having... I know with our relationship, we can talk about other stuff too. And I think that's the unique thing about the BizBestie. So I mean, we can go and get pedicures together and have a whole conversation about family and other stuff going on and not talk about work.
But there are people that I have relationships with where it would be the opposite, where I pretty much, you know, I like talking to them about business stuff, but then getting to know them personally, I'm like, yeah, I don't really connect with that.

00:36:50 - Amber Hawley
And so it would kind of stop there. So one other drawback that we see in these tribes, or BizBestie relationships, is when you have a different way of thinking about or approaching things, and you're feeling judged. Or. by the tribe for that. So they're not supportive of looking, having you look at things in a different way.
And that obviously is kind of, that becomes like a fit issue, right? Because then it just makes you feel worse and it does the opposite of giving you that support. It kind of, you know, tears you down a little bit.

00:37:20 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. And I think that's where it's really important to evaluate when those things happen and look at, did I just feel crappy from this interaction because this was something that I need to work on myself? Or is this a fit thing? Could I not accept whatever information might have been valuable because of the way this person presented it to me?
Or maybe this is a person where every time I meet them, I mean, I can think of you have in your professional, like in your profession, you have people that you frequently run into maybe when you go to conferences or when you go to different events, and you might see them a couple of times a year.
And some of those people you get excited to see and you have a great opinion of. And then other people, you're like, no, every time I meet them or every time we end up talking, I just feel like I don't have a great feeling.

I don't feel great about what I'm doing. Or they always have something negative to say. And sometimes after you start to see a pattern, then you can recognize what's going on. But I think it's important to really evaluate those things and remember, because then once you recognize it, you can say, oh, okay, I'm going to avoid that person and not talk to them so that I don't have to put myself in that place.

00:38:32 - Amber Hawley
Yeah. Or hold a boundary about how much you let out or in kind of thing. And I think like a great example of this one where it really showed up, where it shows up for me is around the ADHD thing. So before finding out that I had ADHD and kind of really understanding that and how it impacts the way your brain works and and everything, I felt a lot of that judgment at times because I am a big talker and lively and whatever.
And sometimes people will make snide comments about, oh, center of attention or something. And I really don't see myself that way. And I think the people who really get me and are my friends don't see me that way. It's just about wanting to have fun.
And so again, it's just a perspective thing. But if I constantly were surrounded by people who are put off by that high energy and that excessive talking, then I would not feel so good about myself, you know, and I feel like I have self-awareness.

So it's not like it's all the time, but sometimes when I get really excited, I definitely go with it. But yeah, I, I, I noticed that even with people I do enjoy, I noticed that I have to have them in limited amounts because I do start to feel that like, oh, you know, oh, Amber, you're talking too much.
Oh, Amber, you're, you know, being too much of a personality. And it's like, I mean, they're not necessarily saying that, but that's the message I'm getting from them.

00:39:53 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah, absolutely. And I'll feel the same way with, I mean, I think you just have to, I think in the past I was, I was more likely to say, oh, well, I need to adjust how I am being. and make myself fit in more with different groups of people, and I think now I'm more willing to say, oh, okay, this is how I am, and so maybe I just don't fit with these people, and I need to go hang out with these other people where I do fit.

00:40:18 - Amber Hawley
Yeah, and that's the, and I think I felt the exact same way as I'm gonna try to make it work. You know, I felt similar to you in that same thing of feeling like I need to make myself fit, but now I really use this mantra, and I'd heard it years ago, but I use it all the time of my people, not my people.
And so I feel like I am somebody who, again, is self-aware and has social graces and like knows how to behave. So after at that point, if it's like too much for you, then you're just not my people and I'm OK with that. And so I will move on and and just find those people who get it.
You know, not everybody has to get it. And I'm actually OK with that. And the more the older I get. that becomes easier. But also I feel like once I understood the diagnosis of ADHD, it really helped me a lot.

00:41:04 - Maelisa Hall
Absolutely. And it helps me be more forgiving of other people as well. On the flip side, I think getting a little bit older and having some more experience, you do start to, even with the people who are not your people, and it's less of a judgment thing and more of just like, hey, you know what?
That's not my person. And I understand why it doesn't work out for them. And that's cool.

00:41:26 - Amber Hawley
Yeah, yeah. It's just stylistically different and that's okay. So yeah, you just kind of move on. But I think that if those people are in your inner circle, your tribe, that becomes very difficult. So needing to have really honest conversations with people when that's the case, I think is important.
Absolutely.

00:41:44 - Maelisa Hall
And our very last drawback can be that if your professional tribe isn't working at the same level as you, it can start to hold you back. And this, I think, is really difficult for people because you're going to meet people at different stages in business and they are going to feel like your tribe and they're going to be a part of your support system.
And it doesn't mean that they are always going to be that for you. Some of them may continue with you along the journey and some of them are going to have things come up and they might get rid of their business. They might keep their business where it is.
They might switch to a different business model and you might do something else or you might be the one who switches a business model. So you have to remember that your support system, I think in all ways, in all areas of your life is a fluid thing and it's something that will be constantly evolving.

Yes.

00:42:34 - Amber Hawley
And it is great to have those people who are more consistent or continuous in your life because There is a lot of value of having history with somebody and them understanding you at a different kind of a different level and for a longer period of time.
But that's not always the case. And so it's you've got to be okay with, you know, letting it be fluid and moving on or taking those steps back. It doesn't even have to be like dropping somebody. It can just be, you know, taking that step back and investing your energy and time somewhere else.

00:43:05 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. Yeah. And I just think about people probably listening to this who might be thinking of one person in particular where that's happening. And you just want to think about how can you begin that process? And if that person's popping up for you, what is it about that interaction or that person or your relationship that is making them come to top of mind?
And that's probably to give you like a little action to take. after our podcast, after you listen to this, is think about some ways that you can adjust that. One really interesting thing I heard Denise Duffield-Thomas talk about was how she had some relationships where she wanted to kind of back up a little bit and they were no longer people that she could have like ongoing conversations with.
I think it was in the context of people kind of being negative a lot more.

And so it wasn't that she stopped hanging out with them, but she started doing different things with them. Like she was like, Hey, let's go to a movie. So she started doing things that were less interactive. And so that way she wasn't rejecting them and she wasn't necessarily like drawing a hard line or, you know, suddenly not answering their phone calls.
Um, But she did adjust the way in which she interacted with them so that it protected her more.

00:44:13 - Amber Hawley
Yeah, and that's really smart. And that's the thing. It's not just a one-way kind of thing. And it's not just about like, hey, you're no longer serving me and moving on kind of deal either. These are genuine relationships. And sometimes it's worth having that difficult conversation, having those carefrontations and kind of seeing if something can be worked out, like if there's just some kind of glitch or misunderstanding.
But sometimes, like you said, when you're in a different space in your business, it's It just is that kind of organic stepping back, but not going away kind of thing. So I do think that that's an important thing to look at. But it can definitely be a problem if you feel obligated to continue to invest heavily in a relationship that maybe isn't the most supportive.

00:44:59 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. Well, and so we don't end things on a downer, which I'm like, well, maybe we should have done the drawbacks first.

00:45:08 - Amber Hawley
I know. This is like a supersized episode. I think this is going to be our longest episode to date. Like, whoa.

00:45:15 - Maelisa Hall
I don't know what to say. Oh my goodness. So special prize, special prize if you listened all the way through. Do you have any like final thoughts on this whole idea of the benefits and drawbacks of a business support system before we finish up? That's a good question.

00:45:31 - Amber Hawley
I know. I know. I do. I mean, I feel like we covered a lot of the stuff that you know, I think is really important. And, you know, I think that sometimes those benefits, they're not always tangible. Like we don't always, we can't always put our finger on it.
And sometimes it's just those little ways that makes our life so much easier or fulfilled or happier or more fun or whatever. So I know that we were talking right before we started recording this episode. I have an assistant helping me out, getting caught up on stuff.
So I'm trying to finish 2017 strong. And yeah, On Friday when she was leaving, she's like, hey, do you need me to bring you lunch on Monday? Because I'm notoriously like overscheduled. And then I forget to either bring food or get food. And then I get to that place where I can't think.
And so I was like, yeah, actually, that would be great.

And so, you know, having people who are support to you, it doesn't necessarily always have to be. It can be the people who are in your business supporting you as well. And in those small ways, it may seem so silly, but that's so huge. And I know that like her doing that today.
So there were moments where we actually will have to edit it out because I started eating my food because I couldn't handle looking at it. I needed, I was like, oh my God, that's so great. But it's gonna give me the energy to finish my day strong. So I feel like there's always those little ways that you don't even realize how great it is to have support until you have it.
And then those things kind of pop up.

00:47:00 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah, I love that. I love it. And I love that you shared that you were eating during our episode, which is probably one of those big no-nos for podcasters, right?

00:47:13 - Amber Hawley
I'm pretty sure that that's a rule. But it was like, oh my gosh, it looks so good. I have red curry chicken. And I'm like, oh, I really, really... And then I said, oh, she just started answering something. And I'd find myself taking another bite. I'm like, oh my God, stop.
So yeah, it's a no-no. But... Yes, you should be. And I'm super jealous. We would love to hear from you. So come on over, visit us on our Facebook page at MyBizBestie or our website.

We would love to hear from you and let us know anything you got out of this episode or any other episodes. And of course, you must subscribe so you don't miss a thing. Yep, for sure. Thanks so much.