Can You Become a Successful Entrepreneur and Have it All?

00:00:24 - Amber Hawley
Welcome to season four of the My Biz Bestie podcast. I'm Amber Hawley.

00:00:27 - Maelisa Hall
And I'm Melissa Hall.

00:00:29 - Amber Hawley
And today we are going to be talking about the four burner theory. Oh, so are you giving me cooking lessons? I know. It's so intriguing.

00:00:40 - Amber Hawley
No, this is life balance slash success lessons. Ooh. Does it sound even more intriguing because my voice, because I'm sick and I sound much more mysterious? Sexy sick? Yeah. Does it sound... Does it work?

00:00:59 - Maelisa Hall
I don't know. It does. It does. And the way you're like, the four burner theory.

00:01:03 - Amber Hawley
Wait till I start hacking up a lung. That'll sound super sexy. So thank you for joining us today. The four burner theory. I love this theory. I find it really thought-provoking. So we thought it would be a great thing to talk about because we like to focus on having all of the systems or the way we structure our lives in order to have our business support system.
A big piece of that is ourself and how we structure our time. So the theory is in order to be successful, you have to cut off one burner in your life. And so the four burners are one is family, friends is another, health is another, and work is another.
So the idea is you can have a good life with those four. And that's, you know, people talk about balance.

But this theory says, in order to be successful, you have to cut off one of those burners, not give it the attention. And if you want to be really successful, you have to cut off two of the burners.

00:02:03 - Maelisa Hall
No.

00:02:06 - Amber Hawley
No. No, meaning you disagree?

00:02:09 - Maelisa Hall
No. No, meaning I don't want to cut off two of the burners.

00:02:11 - Amber Hawley
No, I think that was my initial thought was like, I was reading this article by this guy, James Clear, which we will link to in the show notes, where he talked about his process, his internal process was the exact same thing I had of, well, wait a minute, can we not combine things?
Like I thought we could, I could like, work out with my kids or we can do family and friends, hang out together and figuring out different ways of doing that so you don't have to give something up or let something go. But reality is when you really think about those people who are really successful...
And again, success depends on what you're defining it by. But people who really feel successful in whatever area of their life that is out of those four...

They usually are letting something else go. Someone could say neglect. Some could say letting go consciously. Some could just say like not having time for, right? So you don't want to, I get that. Do you feel like you have any of your burners off right now?

00:03:15 - Maelisa Hall
Yes, actually. I think probably the first one that comes to mind, which is not a conscious decision, but I think has just happened is friends.

00:03:26 - Amber Hawley
Yes, I agree.

00:03:28 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. Most of my friends now are other people in business, people who I am working with. When I go on Facebook, for example, yes, I still catch up with some people who I grew up with or went to college with or whatever. But most of the people I'm interacting with in any of that space, it's actually more business related.
They are friends, but they're also more colleagues.

00:03:54 - Amber Hawley
Absolutely. Yeah, I feel the same way. I think for me, mine is obviously my health. That is definitely not a priority. That hasn't been. I want it to be. I desperately want it to be. But the reality is I'm not giving it any of the attention. So that's the thing.
It's like whatever you focus on. And I would say the friends thing too, because I had that awareness when I was thinking about the different things and next stages of my life and kind of what I'm going to be doing in my life, I was like, hmm, I really do not get to spend enough time with my friends and like local friends that I have, especially because I'm an extrovert.
I need that time with my friends. And yet it's really hard because it feels like then you're giving up time with your family and Unless you combine it, which is still good, but it's not the same.

To me, I like those times, but it also has to be that independent time. It's the same thing as when I see couples that only do family things together. It's like, well, yes, that's great. And you also need time as a couple, right? So how do you figure that out?
And the friend thing, it's like I get to a point of like, okay, I absolutely need a girl's night out or something. Let's go. It's one of those kinds of deals. And I feel like maybe they're on simmer. I don't feel like I'm really reaching my full potential anywhere right now.

00:05:16 - Maelisa Hall
But yeah, I mean, yeah. And I would say I am also neglecting the health area too. Like we've been a lot better since my husband and I moved onto the boat about like, cooking and we did keto for a while, which was a whole other thing. And so I feel like I'm definitely eating a lot better and spending more time on that.
But I'm not working out at all, which I know is bad. It's bad for ADHD and all of that. Bad for sleep, all of that. I feel constantly like I'm trying to figure out where I'm spending my time. It's like a balanced thing. And working out, I think, is one of those things.
It's kind of like saving money. You have to actively want to do it and make it happen or it's not going to happen.

You can't just be like, Oh, well, I'll see when I feel like working out today. Usually then you don't end up working out. Turns out you don't just fall into that.

00:06:13 - Amber Hawley
Yeah. But I think it's an interesting theory because I've heard from other people that are kind of closer to me or people that I've... gotten to hear at different conferences where they talk about when they're really pushing to, let's say, grow their business, they really were very thoughtful about saying, okay, I have to temporarily turn off these other burners and let them go for a while while I'm in this push mode.
And I do think that it does take that kind of focus and dedication. And I feel that like, oh, I don't want to do it. I feel that pushback. Which is why, you know, maybe I have like three and a half burners on. Well, no, the health burner's not on at all.
And it's still not doing what I need to do because it's like you really do have to make a little more sacrifice, right?

The author that I talked about, James Clear, he talked about there are three different ways that he conceptualized that you could make this happen or kind of make the four burner theory make sense for you. And that we have to basically accept that there are just trade-offs in life.
There's limited time and we just need to accept that. And so if we want to push ourselves to achieve in a certain area, then we need to be willing to make some trade-offs.

00:07:35 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. And I think so much of it goes into like, this other personality stuff we've talked about too, right? Like there's so many things that are going to dictate how you make those trade-offs and which burner you're going to let go or which burner you're going to focus on.
Because I think like, for example, if you're an introvert, then it's more work for you to pursue the friends one or the family one maybe, right? Or you need to make sure that you're... I'm assuming health, I guess that's... Is that going to include things like hobbies and me time.
Because there's no like self.

00:08:12 - Amber Hawley
Yeah, I'm going to guess health. I'm going to guess mental health is in that as well. So I agree. I agree.

00:08:18 - Maelisa Hall
But you know, like, so then it's, I think depending on your type of personality or like for us, yeah, like if you're an extrovert, like actually it can be really, really impactful to have that friend's burner kind of off or on simmer because you really feel it.
You know, like I know I do. And I know that's something I've been thinking about a lot, especially recently. And trying to make time for that, realizing how important that is for me and how necessary it is.

00:08:46 - Amber Hawley
When you're trying to figure this out, what is it that's important to you? And this doesn't just mean work, right? Because there are people who would say that their family is their number one priority, which is fantastic. But they do have to make choices.
If that's the case, what are the things you're saying no to? You just have to. And I have like a personal theory that I'm sure a lot of people would agree with is I feel like you should never turn off the health one.

00:09:16 - Amber Hawley
Because even though I have... It's the oxygen mask thing. It is.

00:09:20 - Amber Hawley
I don't take my own advice. Well, let's put it this way. I would say I'm not taking my advice in the physical health department. Because especially since the holidays, I have not stopped emotional stress eating, just eating all the delicious... Everything that makes me happy.
And so I don't even know if that's stress eating. It's just like, oh, this makes me happy. I think that's exactly what stress eating is. Did I mention I'm sick? So maybe not everything's computing. But yes, I feel like part of the mental health stuff, I'm probably a little bit doing better at, but not the physical health.
I'm not exercising. And even though for the most part, we eat really well. My husband's been cooking and... He's become the king of the Instapot. And so we've been eating... We primarily eat healthy meals, but I'm also supplementing with lots of sweets and frankly, the kids' little chip bags for their lunches.

I have been known to finish one of those at the end of the night. So... But it is one of those things where I think if you... I feel like that's the one where if we really did that and took good care of ourselves, that gives us so much more energy to feel like we're not having to sacrifice as much.
So I guess that's my personal theory on that is I feel like to get the energy for work, the focus for work, you focus on the health.

00:10:45 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. Yeah. I think you're totally right. And even to figure out, to do the work of figuring out, okay, which burner am I okay letting go for now? whether that's this month or this year, you know, and definitely if it's like the time of life that you're in or whatever, like I think about like people with young kids, right?
Like there are certain things you let go because young kids just demand a lot of attention and time, you know, and they exhaust you. True story. You know, like, so even to do the work of figuring out and feeling good about that, because it does help when you're able to make those conscious decisions, like this year, I know that this is my focus.
Yes. And I've talked about it with my partner or whatever and I'm on board. And so this is going to help me dictate where I put my priorities, where I put my time.

But you have to be in that mental space to do that. And you have to, like you said, even be in the place to give yourself physical energy to pursue whatever of those you are going to pursue.

00:11:46 - Amber Hawley
Yes. And so the... The author said there are three different ways that he conceptualizes. The first, not to cheat the system, but in order to work with the system and allow yourself to feel like you're not so deprived. He said the first is to outsource.
He even talked about... Obviously, outsourcing at work could be like hiring employees. So you're leveraging your time and working less. He made an analogy around childcare being outsourcing your family part. But he even said that was a little controversial.
You can understand that.

00:12:20 - Maelisa Hall
Good point, right? Yeah, exactly. I mean, I don't want to do that all day long, but... Yeah.

00:12:24 - Amber Hawley
And outsourcing, like even your health. So hiring somebody to cook your meals. And so you're doing that and hiring... And for the mental health stuff, hiring people to do home chores so that you do free up that time that you innately have to use just to make your life happen.
You outsource all of that stuff so you have more time for one of those other burners. So that was one way that you could approach that. Another way was embracing constraints. And so accepting... And rather than wishing you had more time, which I may be guilty of, actually accepting this is the time you have and utilizing that time better.
So I think it's like having boundaries. So for me, I've said, I may not feel like I get to focus as much on my family time right now as I want to.

I would much rather be able to be home every single night, but I see clients until 9 o'clock because that's when people can come. And I do that. But on the weekends, unless it's a special occasion, which doesn't happen all the time, like we're doing a retreat or a conference or something like that, I don't work on the weekends.
And so I really do shut that burner completely off on the weekend. So that's kind of another approach to that.

00:13:38 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah, that's true. I mean, I guess I hadn't thought of that. I was thinking of this as like, all the way, right? Like... this month, this burner is off. But yeah, I mean, that's, I think, a more realistic and manageable approach. It's like having like, okay, yeah, these are my weekday burners.
These are my weekend burners, that kind of thing.

00:13:58 - Amber Hawley
But I'm going to say, I still don't think if you're trying to be really successful, and we're going to say business, okay? Because I'm just going to use that as the example. If you're trying to really grow your business, the reality is you probably still need to do it on the weekend.
If you're really in that growth mode, you need to be giving it way more time. And I'm not saying the entire weekend. But I do think... So there's a way of working the system a little. But I think if you're really looking for exceptional results, you really have to be willing to dedicate the time and energy and make the sacrifices.
I think that's the hard thing about this. And people are going to push back because like you and I did, we're like, I don't want to... But reality is, are we in the place we want in our businesses?

00:14:44 - Maelisa Hall
Well, and to... I mean, I think even though I'm like, no, you don't have to do that. But then when you really sit and think about it, you're like, oh, yeah, no, I totally phoning it in with this burner or that burner is totally off. Or like you said, maybe they're all on simmer, but so none of them are on fire.
None of them are doing well.

00:15:04 - Amber Hawley
We're like slow cooking this shit. It may as well be a crockpot, not a burner. I have some crockpots going. I've got some friends in my crockpots and I'm going to do my Minnesota accent now. I got my fans and my casseroles, but I don't got burners.

00:15:23 - Maelisa Hall
And it's so interesting because this is where I think when you see a lot of people who are partners, right? Like If one spouse works and one spouse is at home, they're doing that as a team. Yes. They're choosing. And usually in those circumstances, it's like, yeah, one spouse is all work and one spouse is all home.
And those partnerships can work very well as long as both people are cool with that. I think where it gets to be a struggle a lot of times in your personal relationships is when both people maybe want to focus on the same thing. And then it's like, okay, well...
with my husband and I, like we would struggle like, oh, okay, we're both want to work a lot. Then all the home stuff is not getting done because one of us has got to do it, right? So then it's, yeah, then we had to outsource, you know, and then it's figuring that out.

But there's still some, there's still some of that mental energy. Like even when you outsource, somebody has to be managing that.

00:16:19 - Amber Hawley
Yes. And unless you could afford a house manager to manage all of that stuff.

00:16:25 - Maelisa Hall
Hashtag goals.

00:16:26 - Amber Hawley
Oh, one day, one day I dream. I dare to dream. I really, really do. But yeah, I think... Yeah, you just have to kind of come to terms with it. It depends what you're looking for. And there is no right or wrong. This isn't telling you how to do it. What your priorities should be.
It's like... But if you're being realistic with yourselves, if you're trying to all of a sudden say like, I am going to go from being a couch potato to being on the Titan Games, I'm going to have to dedicate some time to that. You don't know what the Titan Games are, do you?
No, I don't. It's The Rock's new show. Dwayne Johnson. Okay. Good stuff. My family and I, the kids and I love to watch it. And we pick the Titan we think is going to win. And it's very fun. Is it like the old Gladiator show? A little bit, but not. They don't have like...
Yeah, it's kind of like head-to-head competitions. And then whoever goes through...

It's kind of American Ninja Warrior-ish.

00:17:22 - Amber Hawley
Oh, okay. So more like that.

00:17:23 - Amber Hawley
Okay, we digress. Yes, yes. The third way, just kind of the third approach is, you already kind of mentioned it, is acknowledging seasons of life. And this one, I kind of wish that I had just acknowledged that I was in this season of life of having young children when I had three children in four and a half years and tried to grow my business and then add new businesses.
Now... And then felt stressed out. And then felt very stressed out. And I felt like I'm like that duck with my feet going a million miles an hour, but I'm not really moving. It was one of those things of like, I just couldn't accept it. And if I had just accepted it, I probably could have been way more chill.
I'm more focused and had methodical energy going forward. It would have been so much better. But we now understand that also is a little ADHD.

So I'm not really one to accept that. But there is something to that to say. And I will say it to my clients. Again, great at giving the support. But being able to say, this is how it's going to be for this period of time. And this is what my focus is right now.
And that's got to be okay. And I have done that in different periods of time. But I think as an overarching theme of acknowledging this is the position we're in right now. And so this is what the focus needs to be.

00:18:41 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah, for sure. And I know my husband and I have done that at different times too. And I actually remember I was always in clubs and school and getting as involved as I could, right? Because I wanted to do the social stuff. Yeah. and not just study. And so in grad school, I was starting to get really involved with the local professional associations.
And I was the student representative and going to the advocacy day at the Capitol and doing all these things. But I was also in grad school, which was extremely stressful and very busy. I was in a relationship that was... We were kind of... I guess it would have been a little bit before...
maybe like a year before we got engaged, but we're living together. And so then I did have to make a choice. And I was kind of like, you know what?

I want to choose to focus on this relationship and spend time with this guy and have free time when I'm at home with him. And so I stopped. I remember having the conversation with the president of the professional association and being like, yeah, I really just need to...
I don't have time to focus on my family anymore. just the two of us. But I recognized I needed to do that then at the beginning of my career to make that decision and to set the stage for how I wanted my career to go. I didn't want my career constantly being number one over my family.
So I specifically took that time out to see what that was like.

00:20:14 - Amber Hawley
And I imagine that was a tough choice to make. Yeah. knowing you and how much you care about advocacy as well. It's like, this is something you're passionate about and that is important to you. And it doesn't mean that there won't be a season in your life where you really get to spend a lot more energy on that.
But it is saying like, okay, I'm consciously going to choose this path and this part, right?

00:20:35 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's really what makes us more unhappy than choosing the burners is unrealistically trying to pursue all of it. Like you were saying with not giving yourself the space.

00:20:48 - Amber Hawley
I was like, can you give a little space for that? That little tweetable right there. Boom. That was a good one. Let's just say... Can you say that again if you remember? I don't know if I do. The thing that makes us most unhappy in life is... Yeah.

00:21:06 - Maelisa Hall
Is having these unrealistic expectations that we can manage all of the burners. Whereas when we can come to terms with, okay, this is what I'm going to choose. And I think you always feel better when you have control, right? Like when you're like, okay, I'm making a conscious decision.
This is what I'm going to pursue. This is what I'm going to focus on.

00:21:23 - Amber Hawley
Even if I slightly feel unhappy that I have to make this decision. I mean, that's adulting, right? Like we sometimes have to choose things that we're sad to let go, but we're doing it either for now or forever that because these other parts are more important to us.

00:21:38 - Amber Hawley
And then it takes the pressure off. I think you have that little grief moment and then you feel relief. Absolutely. I like that.

00:21:46 - Amber Hawley
I like that a lot. And here's the beauty. It's like you can make that choice and realize like, no, I'm not happy and this doesn't work for me. And then you can make different decisions. So there's always that too. But I love it. I think this is great.
And hopefully, this gives you just a little bit of a taste of the four burner theory. And again, I can almost hear people arguing with it because I feel like we have too. We've been, wait a minute, but I want to. And But really saying, okay, what is it that you want your life to look like?
And frankly, you may be a person who wants all four burners on. That's great. Just acknowledging that's going to look different than somebody who turns a couple of burners off. I think about Steve Jobs. I mean, he may have only had one burner on. A lot of those titans of business, right?
They're one burner people, maybe. And so figuring that out and it doesn't have to look a certain way, but...

How can you say this is what I'm wanting the most of in my life and make those choices and kind of make those work. But I would be super curious to hear if anybody has some thoughts on this or kind of, you know, are there burners that you have off in your life right now or, or just, you know, how you feel about the theory in general?

00:23:00 - Maelisa Hall
Yeah. Yeah. And what are you, maybe this is giving you some food to thought to make a switch or make a decision.

00:23:05 - Amber Hawley
Let us know.

00:23:07 - Amber Hawley
Head on over to MyBizBestie.com and this episode page. Go ahead and leave us some comments and let us know. Yep. We'd love to hear it.